It's been way too long… As a result, I have all kinds of nonsense built up in my brain. You'd think I would practice what I preach & write more often to prevent this from happening, but it is just not that simple, it seems. There are numerous insecurities that come into play… & a struggle to prioritize… &, well, just plain ol' not feeling like it… But, then again, I don't feel like doing much on a lot of days, so, yeah…
Anyway, because it has been so long, there's a lot I want to get out. I won't promise any kind of cohesiveness today. All I will promise is sincerity & good ol' brain dump. Maybe I will even get to tie my thoughts into a Ten Things of Thankful post by the time I'm done. We shall see… (I did it! Thankful #1)
Where to begin?
Today marks 22 weeks pregnant. (Thankful #2) We found out on September 1 that we are having a girl! (Thankful #3) We paid for an elective gender scan because we weren't sure the handsome husband would be around for the anatomy scan scheduled through our OB. Plus, I've been having a really hard time identifying with this baby. I've just felt extra tired & sick & miserable & I really needed a positive to hold on to. Finding out our baby's gender seems to really have helped. I can't imagine what the past several weeks would have been like if we hadn't have splurged on that.
Tomorrow, we go for a regular OB check-up AND we are also scheduled for our anatomy scan just down the hall from our doctor's office. (Thankful #4) I am excited to see baby girl again, but I am also nervous for a number of reasons… What if everything DOESN'T look good? What if something not-so-fabulous is discovered as a result of this anatomy scan? We declined almost all early genetic testing. I just don't think I could have handled knowing all this time if there was something wrong… &, frankly, even if there is, we're still having this baby, so what's the use in extra time to worry?
Plus, on a less serious note, what if our baby girl is not, in fact, a baby girl? What if, at this anatomy scan, all of a sudden there's an extra body part? 😉 Don't get me wrong. I have been seriously nervous & downright afraid of being a girl mom. (I'll probably have to dedicate a separate post to all of the reasons why.) I've said from the beginning that I know boys so much better. BUT, at the same time, I've had nearly six weeks to start to get used to the idea of having a daughter… &, I have to say, the idea has grown on me. I'd be a liar if I said there wouldn't be a touch of disappointment if all of a sudden that changed.
Tomorrow. We will see what happens tomorrow.
Then what, though?
We have a cute little pink camo jumper for baby girl that a co-worker of the handsome husband brought to him right after we found out we were having a girl. A DVD & a stuffed animal that were random gifts…. Other than that, we have not started preparing at all. I know we have 18 weeks or so left. That's plenty of time. (Thankful #5) BUT, over the last week or so, I have notice a bit of anxiety setting in. I feel like we need to get this ball rolling… I know there will be all kinds of Christmas sales & such; it'd be silly to NOT take advantage of those… BUT, frankly, we won't be able to afford everything if we wait until that last month or so to get started.
We started baby registries weeks ago. (Thankful #6) I think the only reason we started so early is because of my anxiety & need to plan, plan, plan… Even if the plan changes, there is comfort in knowing there IS a plan, ya know? Anyway, we opted for an Amazon registry & a Babies R Us registry. Both offer a completion discount & other little perks &, I figure, it serves as a nice little shopping list for us in the meantime. (Thankful #7) At first, I wanted to just add the bare necessities, but a few people along the way reminded me to add “wants” in there too, because you never know…
At this point, I figure, a carseat & stroller (probably a travel system), a co-sleeper bassinet (since she probably won't even use her crib for at least six months), some basic onesies &/or sleep sacks/gowns, no-scratch mitts & socks, receiving blankets, plain cloth diapers to serve as burp rags, diapers & wipes, nursing pads, &, perhaps, a dresser would be a good start… I might even throw in a convenient thermometer & an easy-to-clean aspirator, mostly for peace of mind, just in case… Almost everything else is fluff, right? Nice to have, but not THOROUGHLY necessary if you really get down to it?
It might be necessary to take a look at the budget this week & work in a few of these purchases — if for no other reason than to quiet the nasty little voice in my head that is causing this minor preparedness panic.
Speaking of the budget… I screwed it up pretty royally last month. It actually resulted in our cable & Internet being cut off for a few days & we came too close for comfort in regard to an electricity cut-off too. The thoroughly embarrassing part about it is that we had the money if I would have just paid it. I just thought one wasn't due for another couple of weeks & that I had already, in fact, paid the other. I totally blame it on the brain fog known as “baby brain.” BUT, that doesn't mean I didn't cry a lot of ugly tears over it & that I didn't have to pay extra to get things turned back on (or kept on). Ugh.
As a result of last month's budget mess up, this week, instead of getting to buy Little RJ's plane ticket for his Thanksgiving visit, I had to be responsible by dedicating a little extra to a few bills in an effort to make sure we don't wind up in the same place again this month or next. I could just kick myself! Hopefully, over the next couple of checks things even out enough to where I can still get his ticket without wreaking extra havoc on everything… It'll be cutting it close, but all I can do is wait & see… Time will tell.
Then there's school… I am so incredibly grateful that I have the opportunity to be a full-time student without also being bombarded with work responsibilities. (Thankful #8) With that said, though, I am falling short of my domestic duties on top of studying — & I have even missed class a few times & the semester is not quite halfway over yet! This is SO NOT like me! I fear I have bitten off more than I can chew this semester. While my grades are still all A's so far (Thankful #9), I have had a lot of close calls in regard to nearly missed assignments & some severe procrastination — even for me — in regard to actually getting my studying done. I feel like I have been lucky thus far & I am worried about keeping it up for another two months… Then again, it is only two more months. In the grand scheme of things, that's really not that long, right? (Thankful #10)
I am sure I could go on & on… But, I think I've got a good start here… Perhaps this will be what helps me break my habit of letting my blogging go? I fear blogging more might take the place of studying — but, I am not really studying as much as I think I should anyway… SO, maybe blogging more might help clear my mind better so I feel better equipped to study…? Time will tell.
Pop over here to see some of the other things people contributed for Ten Things of Thankful this week.