I've been in somewhat of a foul mood lately. . . I wanted a post that would allow me to vent some of my frustrations in a semi-positive (although, perhaps, unorthodox?) way. SO, I present to you “WISHES,” my small “wish list” of sorts, fashioned from some of my frustrations of lately. Then, towards the end, is “INTENTIONS,” taking a moment to reflect back on the On Purpose series I temporarily abandoned during my recent month-long unscheduled hiatus from Calculated Chaos. . .
I go back & forth about whether these are very plausible in regard to their possibility of becoming a reality — under specific circumstances — or if they are not impossible, but very improbable. . . Either way, it is what it is, eh?
The handsome husband to go back to a daytime schedule. It's been just over three months. I should be able to look at the situation & be thankful that his graveyard time is more than half-way over. . . When he originally switched to this schedule, it was said that everyone would rotate again in January. But, several weeks ago, the news was broke that it will not happen that way. The shifts are set. Bull! I am not okay with this. He is not healthy. He sleeps poorly anyway, but make him have to sleep during the day every day & it just adds to that. He tries to do too much as it is & now he tries to do even more with even less sleep. It's in his nature. It's probably not going to change. SO, his job needs to. Period. That's how I see it. Never mind the fact that I left my jobs to move to a different state for his job that has now screwed him over in this department. I left working retail because he & I didn't see each other awake for days at a time because of the funky schedule that went along with my job only for his job to do that to us now — & I don't even work! He's either at work or in bed sleeping. It's bullshit. Plain & simple. (Now, he's going to read this & try to stay up on one of his days off when he has a few in a row. . . Because he's worried we're not getting enough time together. . . Then, he's going to deprive himself of even more sleep. . . Again, it's who he is. If he can't change, his job needs to.) I'd rather sleep next to him in a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere than have him work himself to the bone like this. No joke. You should see the bags under his eyes this week. It's frightening. (Although, he's still super handsome.)
To move back to Washington. I miss my friends & family there. Terribly. I've found some redeeming qualities about Arizona in the nearly eight months that we've lived here now. . . & I am prepared to stay here for another few years — under the right conditions. But it's just not home. Washington is. Plain & simple. Now that I've started college here in Arizona, it would be awfully convenient to finish at least my associates degree here, but even that's not an absolute necessity. In my mind, if the handsome husband's shift doesn't change at his current job, it'll be my wish to leave at the end of this school year (which is mid-May 2015). Even if we can't get all the way back to Washington, as long as we can find a way to support ourselves somewhere that leads us back there, I will consider it progress. I just don't want to get stuck here — with the handsome husband being worked the way he is, it makes me hate Arizona. . . & it really could be quite beautiful if circumstances were a bit different, I think.
To be able to get to Washington for one of my best friend's birthdays. There are three people, in particular, that I call my best friends. They are family. Really. Two of those three people have birthdays right around mine. They are next month (November). One has a birthday the day after mine & the other is four days after. The latter of those two is celebrating a milestone birthday this year. We had been hoping that I would be able to make the trip to celebrate with her. But, it's come to pass that it's likely not going to happen. As I said in my most recent TToT post, money doesn't grow on trees & being responsible sucks. . .
I wanna cry. I cry pretty much every time I think about it. I am crying right now. Geesh.
To be able to give my pregnancy wishes to God better. Before the handsome husband & I even met, I had decided that I was okay with not having any more children. . . That I already have two boys &, although neither lives with me (or each other), they still have each other & me & are deeply loved, intelligent little men. I also had told myself that I was too young to say that I didn't want any more children. . . That I really wanted to leave that door open ajar for the outside possibility that I would meet the man of my dreams & that he would want to have a child of his own (or a child with me). . . Well, obviously, I did go on to meet the man of my dreams — my own real-life fairy tale, really. He loves my boys & he will be happy to be a step-daddy in whatever ways life allows. (I know because early on in our relationship, he told me that not having a child together would not be a “deal-breaker.”) BUT, he longs to be a daddy to a child that is biologically his too. I would love to be the mama of that child. I love the boys God has already blessed me with. . . & their fathers are good men. BUT, there is something to be said for getting to experience having a child with the man you love; is there not? I think so. . . & I want it bad enough that it consumes my thoughts a lot of days. It'd be nice if I could let go & give it to God & go on about my life in a less-stressed & tearful manner. . . I also think the odds of having this “wish” fulfilled would be a lot greater if I could do it. . . But, as with many things, it is definitely easier said than done! 😉
I am sure there's plenty more that can be added to this list of wishes, but these are the MONDO ones that are on my brain A LOT lately. . .
In the last On Purpose post, I promised a 101 in 1001 list &, although I missed my original deadline to post, I figured that was no excuse to let it go altogether. (What is that saying about modifying your route not your destination? 😉 Get my drift?) The 101 in 1001 list is supposed to be a list of 101 very specific goals to be accomplished over the course of 1,001 days (approximately 2.75 years). The idea is that, rather than having a bunch of goals with no deadline, (like in a bucket list) or a few goals with an extremely close deadline (like in a 30 before 30 type of list), there are several goals to work towards within a specific time-frame. BUT, this time-frame is just long enough that it encompasses several seasons to increase the opportunities to cross off as much as possible from the list. I am looking forward to it quite a lot! It'll be updated regularly.
SO, now that you've finished reviewing my current WISHES, please, share your thoughts below along with some of YOUR current wishes. . . THEN, please also go take a look at my INTENTIONS — what I plan to do on purpose, with a purpose — by clicking here. . . Get the details, then comment there with your thoughts & what you would add to YOUR list. You can also share with me on Facebook. 😉