I don't feel like ME lately …
I almost wasn't going to make this an actual blog post, because I wasn't sure where this would go… But, frankly, this isn't like other blogs & this crap has been hanging out in my chaotic, crazy brain for far too long. Maybe vomiting it out into my corner of the Web will help me make some sense of it or give me an epiphany or confirm my fears or SOMETHING …
I have been going to bed most nights lately with tears in my eyes. It is all I can do to keep the tears streaming down my face from turning into full-on SOBS.
I feel ridiculous.
I feel… inadequate. That is the word I am looking for.
Not GOOD enough.
I fall short on everything I want to be & do right now. It wears on you when you can't QUITE seem to reach the goals you've set for yourself — no matter how big or small.
As a wife & mama. As a student. As a business owner. I fall short. It sucks.
My apartment is a mess. My daughter is a social butterfly, but I am a hermit who doesn't leave unless I am practically forced — thus ensuring my daughter is housebound too.
My husband is always stressed out — & comes home to an apartment in disarray & a wife who, especially lately, usually is still in some version of pajamas.
My daughter is at an age when she is curious about everything — & must TOUCH everything & move everything & try to assert her independence on everything. My mental energy goes to making sure whatever she is destroying isnt also going to hurt her on top of making more messes for my husband to come home to…
Then there is my schoolwork. Most days I don't even touch it. I am lucky to even THINK about it. I am enrolled in an online program that, thankfully, is EXTREMELY loose in terms of schedule, but NOT in terms of adequate understanding of the material. My current term has only six weeks left & I am only halfway done with the courses I absolutely HAVE to complete to be in good standing. It isn't difficult work right now. I just do not seem to have the mental clarity to give it justice on as regular of a basis as I would prefer — or as would be ideal.
Then there is my business. It is a business I LOVE. It brings me joy. Mostly. Through it, I have created an AWESOME community. I love “hanging out” in its online group & forming friendships & getting to know some really amazing women through it. I have had some really incredible income from it on some months — & pretty much nothing other months. My soul loves it. But from a business standpoint it falls short. I don't have the capital or the space or the time or the network to make it as lucrative as I want it to be — & as much as I would like to shoot for the stars, even when I adjust my business goals to be more modest, I still feel highly inadequate with what I am able to accomplish. It makes it harder to push forward, y'know?
This only skims the surface of my feelings of inadequacy. Add in the pressure I am putting on myself to lose weight & my current stalls & (slight) re-gain from my backsliding the last week or two & you'll go a touch deeper into how much I fall short right now.
“Wow! You have a lot on your plate!”
I hear it a lot.
Do I? It feels like a lot sometimes, but I don't think it is any more than most, in some way or another …
… & the problem is that no matter what I choose, even if I *did* decide to let something go (to be able to focus more on QUALITY, supposedly), I would beat up on myself for it after & TOTALLY regret the decision.
Be okay with a cluttered, messy apartment? Or not finding a couple of weekly activities to get involved in with Eva Lee? Um, no. Neither serves my family. I *need* to figure it out.
School? Well, see now, I am so far down the hole of student loans, it would be a double-edged sword bearing down on me to leave school now. Not only would I be ditching a goal of mine completely, but it would ALSO kick my loans out of deferment & create an extra strain on our monthly budget right now (AND derail any hope of re-entering the workforce or expanding my work-from-home options down the road).
My business? I am only a few weeks away from the one-year anniversary of its launch. I love the community. I started it for a reason. It feels ridiculous to let it go now, when I still need it in that way & while its full potential hasn't even had a fair chance to be tapped into yet.
I am damned if I do & damned if i don't.
Rock & a hard place.
Or, maybe I just need my medication adjusted again… Who the Hell knows. Certainly not me. Obviously.