Attempting to Quiet The Bitch

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I know I've mentioned a few times that one of the things I am working on is getting rid of the over-abundance of negative self-talk that I allow to run rampant in my brain. It is not only something that I believe is important for me to be working on, but also many others out there — men & women alike. It is shocking how often & how quickly I can turn on myself even after a seemingly small slip-up!

Take into consideration for a moment this scenario: I have committed to this Blog-tember challenge, mostly for the consistency in writing & posting, getting my thoughts out of my brain & into my little corner of the Internet here. Yet, I wound up skipping yesterday's post, (which I was quite looking forward to! It was in regard to personality types. I think I will revisit that prompt in the future! LOL). The negative self-talk started as a whisper with that. . . Quiet, but persistent.

The reason I skipped yesterday's post was because I had allowed myself to procrastinate on my studies. Monday night, way later than I should have been awake, I put my books away, closed my lap top, & forced myself to go to bed, even though the assignments that weren't done were due to be turned in on Tuesday at my face-to-face classes. What on Earth was I thinking?! My eyes were blurring over, I didn't trust the work I was doing as a result, so sleep was a necessity; I am not questioning that decision; I am questioning the decisions that led up to cutting it so close to begin with. I was so angry with myself & I even started a Facebook status update berating myself, but thought better of it & deleted everything before I hit that “post” button.

As it turns out, I have a pretty good morning routine going on my “school days” (Tuesdays & Thursdays). I got up, hit the shower & got dressed & during my morning news & coffee time, I completed the homework that was due for my 10am class (my second class out of three for the day). Phew! One of two, done! Crisis averted. . .

Maybe. We'll see what score I actually get. That had to have been pretty half-assed for you to have whipped it out over coffee. All your reading was done last-minute in a sleep-deprived haze. What's your deal? That voice in my head sure does have a pretty bitchy attitude! I think I will call her “The Bitch” from now on. . .

Then, after my 10am class, I have just over an hour before my math class begins. That is the time that I usually take to grab a bite to eat & pull out my kindle to do some reading or check out Facebook. I got a small snack & went straight to my math book & started crunching my numbers. Twenty minutes later, it was done! O.M.G. I really thought it would've taken two to three times that long!

Twenty minutes?! That's it? Surely, I screwed it all up. I deserve a zero on this assignment since I allowed myself to procrastinate so long. How stupid do you have to be to lose points over not even trying hard enough? Really?! There was the bitch again.

I am pleased to say that both assignments that I was so hard on myself about were completed, turned in, & awarded the maximum points possible — despite The Bitch's constant criticism. Now, that doesn't mean that I am giving myself a free pass to procrastinate quite like that again — Lord knows I don't like to give The Bitch a reason to come out. BUT, it does mean that I have some redeeming qualities — many of which are evident in this whole homework scenario.

With all of this taken into consideration, it's hard to believe that Bailey Jean came up with the Blog-tember Challenge's writing prompts quite some time ago, because today's prompt is this:

List 10 things that you love about yourself! Let's kick that negative self-talk outta here!

Quite fitting, eh? 😉

So, I am going to give you a no-frills list of things that I love can at least acknowledge that are sometimes good about myself. Trying to keep it simple here. . .

1. I am stubborn. What I really mean to say is: once I make my mind up about something, it is hard to get me to change it. I might take forever & a day to make up my mind, but once I do, whatever it is that I've decided might as well be carved in stone, because it is going down.
2. I am resilient. When obstacles & detours are all of a sudden thrust into my path, I will find a way over, around, under, or through whatever is holding me back. Again, I might take my sweet-ass time figuring it out. . . I might have lots of tears & a rave of a pity party before I snap out of it. . . BUT, I will find my way. I have plenty of times before; why not now?
3. I am extremely empathetic. I firmly believe that having the ability to (& willingness to) put yourself in the shoes of other people & feel what they must feel & see their points-of-view on whatever it is that they are facing is an increasingly rare feat these days. I know I have it. . . & while it definitely adds to my “crazy” by making an already overly emotional gal even more emotional, I still believe it is, overall, a good trait for me to have.
4. When I actually focus, I have a way with words — both written and verbal. I am not perfect, but I know I can make my point. I might tend to “beat around the bush” or write a novel when I really could write two sentences, but I like that words usually come easily to me.
5. I try to view things in a positive light — most of the time. . . At least outwardly. 😉
6. I am honest. A lot of times brutally. I believe honesty is better than sugar-coated lies. . . Lies are hurtful. Even if someone feels better at the moment of the lie, eventually the truth will come out & that will hurt worse than the sting of the truth if it would've been told to begin with. On that same note, one of the things I have the hardest time forgiving is being lied to. I cannot handle it. I won't lie to you, so please do not lie to me. It is a respect thing. No one deserves that.
7. I am fiercely loyal. Once I have latched on to you, it takes a lot for me to be able to leave you behind. My husband, my family, the handful of friends I have deemed to be family. . . I will stand by them & defend them with my last breath if I had to. I won't always agree with them — & I will tell them as much — but if anyone else tries to disrespect them or talk ill of them, I will not tolerate it. . . Many people say these things, but not all really act on it. I do. It can be likened to the idea that I am allowed to pick on my little siblings, but if anyone else should dare, they'd have to answer to me. LOL. 😉
8. I seem to do some of my best work under pressure. I don't know if that by itself is necessarily a good thing, but it has certainly come in handy on more than one occasion & my life is a lot easier as a result of that.
9. I really like that I am mulatto. It helps me to identify not only with being white or being black, but also with the idea that people do not need to fit into one box or another — there are plenty of “grey areas” out there when it comes to people. Furthermore, it helps me to remember not to judge a person by how they look. I might look “black” but I was raised by my white mother. I have characteristics that could be attributed to either race — or neither.
10. I am not a “glass is half empty” or a “glass is half full” kind of person. Instead, I will typically be grateful I have a glass & there is something in it. In other words, I don't usually view things as good or bad. I try to view them, instead, as what they really are — whatever that is, because it changes from day-to-day or moment-to-moment.

This list was surprisingly hard to create. I challenge each & every one of you to give it a shot. What would be on YOUR list of things you love about yourself? Share in the comments below, email me at mochamama@calculatedchaos.net, or find me on Facebook.

This post was written in participation of the Blog-tember Challenge hosted by Bailey Jean of Brave Love. Please click here to see what others love about themselves. 😉