I feel like a horrible, worthless person.
Maybe that's a slight exaggeration… (But only slight.)
Even after our miscarriage last year, I, somehow, cannot just enjoy this pregnancy.
I am MISERABLE! Seriously.
In the first trimester, it was nausea, dizziness, & extreme fatigue.
Now, wrapping up the second trimester, it's been some SERIOUS hip pain — to the point where I am waddling already & can barely walk (NO exaggeration!). Then there's the return of dizziness, paired with sporadic anxiety attacks (think: accelerated heart-rate, difficulty catching breath, nervousness out of nowhere, with no real trigger!). The extreme fatigue never left — except now, since I have such a hard time standing & walking, I am even more lethargic than before. The nausea has been replaced with excessive heartburn. I am starving & thirsty all the time, but even water is a trigger, so I don't think I eat nearly enough — & when I do, I make poor choices because I waited too long for sustenance.
I can just IMAGINE the “joys” the third trimester has in store!
As if all these PHYSICAL ailments weren't enough to establish how horrible I feel, just you wait until I get into the mental & emotional side of things…
I know I am pregnant… & I know how much the handsome husband & I both tried so hard for this & still want this…
BUT, I am having a really hard time identifying & connecting with the fact that there is actually a REAL human, baby growing inside of me — OUR baby.
I feel like I am deathly ill… & that there's this alien parasite growing inside of me, literally taking the life from me.
Everyone around me says what a beautiful thing pregnancy is… How blessed or lucky we are to be experiencing this miracle… How quickly this pregnancy is going by… How excited they are for us…
Part of me knows this is all true. BUT, virtually none of me actually FEELS it.
I thought that hearing our baby's heartbeat that first time on that first ultrasound would put my mind at ease… & it did — for a short while.
Then, when we reached & surpassed that nine-week mark, when we found out about our blighted ovum last year, I thought, again, that I would begin to relax &, perhaps, begin to enjoy this pregnancy… (Looking back, I guess part of me relaxed at least a little.)
At twelve weeks, when the risk for miscarriage dramatically decreases, yet again, another milestone was reached when I thought things would “miraculously” feel better… Nope.
Maybe I am not so much in fear that I will discover blood in the restroom or bad news at a doctors' appointment any more… But, now…?
I feel stuck.
I feel like shit.
I feel helpless.
I feel like a burden.
When I am not mentally beating up on myself for feeling these things, I feel nothing — except the physical aches & pains that do not seem to subside at all.
I thought spending the money on an elective gender scan so we could find out earlier whether we would be welcoming a son or a daughter into the world would help… (We're having a daughter!)
Giving our child a name would surely help me identify with her better, right? Okay. Maybe a little… But not enough.
Now that she's moving around in there pretty consistently, I do crack a smile here & there… But, at least as much, I am cursing about how much she hates me already because I can't get comfortable or can't sleep or can't eat or can't drink enough water because of the heartburn… Or can't walk, so EVERYTHING I try to do on any given day is 100-times more difficult.
I just can't get excited. I say how much I cannot wait for February to finally get here… People assume it is because I am excited to meet my daughter. (I want to be!) BUT, right now, it is because I am just so DONE with being pregnant.
I am tired of feeling like shit.
I am tired of feeling like I can't do anything for myself.
I am tired of being a burden to my husband, who pretty much does EVERYTHING around the house right now because I hurt so bad — either physically or emotionally (or both), depending on the day.
But, most of all?
Most of all, I am scared that my lack of excitement now, during pregnancy, will spill over into postpartum & that I won't feel excited to meet my daughter… & that's what seals the deal on me feeling like a horrible, worthless person.