So. . . I have a little bit of a confession to make. For whatever reason, it makes me feel ashamed to admit this; I am not entirely sure why. . . But it is what it is. It's a struggle to come up with the right words. . . (Me?! At a shortage of words?! What HAS this world come to??) BUT, maybe I can “paint you a picture” with a few of the events of the past twenty-four hours. . .
Yesterday, I wrote about my happy Monday & I felt all kinds of good about my positive spin on the day & the week ahead! (Let me tell you, I am going to continue that for the foreseeable future; it did my heart good!) But, as the day went on, I just felt this gloom come over me. . . It's nearly indescribable.
Other than that blog post, I did next-to-nothing productive all damn day. . .
I was running late to go pick up the handsome husband from work, highly irritated by some of the maniac drivers here in Arizona. (I must've seen at least half a dozen near-misses in the less-than-thirty-minute drive to his work!) Then, when we got to my ophthalmologist appointment, after I picked up the handsome husband, the waiting room was packed & they were running behind. . .
While it was only my second time going to that particular office, the first time only took about one hour from the time I walked in the door to the time I was sitting back in our truck on the way home. . . Yesterday's visit wound up taking twice that long.
On the way home, with my eyes all dilated, glasses on, Duck Dynasty cap pulled down as far as it would go so the afternoon sun, (which we were driving directly into), wouldn't scar my sensitive eyes. . . I started to cry. This is such a frustrating experience!
The doctor told me that, although it posed some risk, with proper monitoring, having to continuously be on a small amount of the steroid drops for an indefinite amount of time was better than having my uveitis constantly flaring up, as it has been. What?! I might have to deal with this, just this way, FOREVER? Ugh.
My freak eye. Well, that's what I called it from the first time I had to run to the emergency room after work over three years ago. At times, I have to keep just that eye (the left one) dilated to keep it from scarring & impairing my vision irreparably. It was downright embarrassing. I had to find hats that I could stand to wear, (& I have never considered myself a hat person AT ALL!), in order to shield my dilated freak eye from the light & from the world because I didn't want to have to answer questions about it when people noticed its funkiness. . . This is what I have to deal with on a pretty regular basis.
Sometime while we were out & about, I realized I pulled meat out of the freezer & onto the kitchen counter to defrost, then never put it back in the refrigerator. It had been sitting out entirely too long & would need to be thrown out by the time we got home — especially since the doctors' appointment took so long. So, what did we do for dinner instead? Delicious but extremely fatty bacon burgers from one of the fast food joints near our home. Ugh. I ate it. Even though I already have body issues after gaining so much weight over the last year or two. . . That was a good choice! NOT.
I couldn't quiet my brain at an appropriate hour last night, so I went to bed a touch later than I would have liked. This morning, I got up with the handsome husband as he got ready to go to work, but then, instead of staying up & starting my day like I usually do, I let myself go right back to bed. No trying to get on my newly purchased elliptical-like contraption to burn off the crap for dinner. . . No starting a load of laundry from the now-full hamper in our bathroom. . . No unloading & reloading the dishwasher of all the dishes from SUNDAY night's dinner that I had neglected the day before. . . In fact, I didn't even set an alarm like a responsible adult. I slept for more than six extra hours this morning, not awakening until after 11 o'clock. Ugh. What a waste of day!
In a desperate attempt to get something productive done before noon, when our electricity rates skyrocket during the week, I opted to leave the laundry for tonight or tomorrow & at least get the dishes going & the kitchen tidied up a bit. Hooray, me, right? Ugh. Except, that's when, in movie-like s – l – o – w m – o – t – i – o – n, a plate slipped from my grasp, (my old-lady hands — another story entirely), & crashed to floor, breaking into a bunch of tiny pieces. Lovely.
It was while I was sweeping the kitchen, trying to make sure that I got every little bit of that damn plate since I enjoy going barefoot at home, that I had a minor epiphany! I say “minor” because it's something I've already known & is quite obvious, really. . . I suffer from depression. It's usually always been during the winter months, but even after moving to Arizona from Washington State & being in the sunshine instead of the grey, I am still susceptible. Duh, right? Somehow, I thought the sunshine would help more than it has. . .
Furthermore, what is with this self-pity? Each of the things above prompted tears. Now, as I mentioned before, while I may feel ashamed to admit this, I refused to be too hard on myself about the tears; it is still a much needed release. Albeit frustrating, each of these occurrences over the past twenty-four hours has helped me be more grateful for what I have.
Running late? At least I have someone waiting for me who loves me. Not everyone is so lucky. For this, I am grateful.
Had an unusually long wait at the doctors' office? At least I have insurance & the ability to seek care for my ailment. Not everyone is so lucky. For this, I am grateful.
Have a freak eye? At least I can see. Need I say more? Although, hats aren't so bad after all. . . For this, I am grateful.
Forgot about the defrosting meat? At least I have food in my refrigerator & filling my cupboards. For this, I am grateful.
Indulged in fast food? At least I had the option! And, frankly, it was delicious. What's done is done & I did not go hungry. For this, I am grateful.
Stayed up too late & slept too long? At least I have a safe & comfortable place to sleep & the means to have the technology to distract me from that sleep. Hello, Internet & cable television! For this, I am grateful.
Broke a plate? Eh, at least I have 'em. No eating off the floor or out of dumpsters for me. Don't laugh. Some have to. And, frankly, the kitchen needed to be swept anyway. For this, I am grateful.
Wasn't as productive as I would've liked to have been? At least I have the luxury to figure out a schedule on my own. . . To stay home & take care of myself & my husband & our house in whatever way we decide is best. Not everyone has the means to be able to do this or a handsome husband that is as hard-working & supportive as mine. I will figure it out eventually. For this, I am grateful.
As you can see, I have a lot to be grateful for. Sometimes the things that frustrate us are the little reminders that God has for us, nudging us to remember to be thankful for what we have. Am I allowed to shed my tears & have off days? Absolutely. These are the things that remind me of the good things. And. . . For this, I am grateful.
This was written as part of the Two Shoes Tuesday link up hosted at Texas Two Shoes. My first time participating! Every Tuesday, Josie will give two prompt words to choose from. The word does not necessarily need to be a part of our entry, as long as it is used as inspiration. This week's prompts were “Grateful” or “Grow.”
What are YOU grateful for? What kind of reminders to be grateful can you find in YOUR life? Leave me a comment below, then head over to this week's Two Shoes Tuesday link up to see what others had to say.