God Will Decide

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The handsome husband & I got married just shy of a year ago. . . (Trying to decide what we'd like to do for our one-year anniversary is an entirely different subject!) Although, he says it was never a “deal-breaker” in our relationship, I always knew he wanted to be a daddy. . . Don't get me wrong; he more than claims his two step-sons & prides himself on getting to help mold them into respectful young men, but I want him to be able to experience having a biological child of his own as well. Furthermore, I would love to be the mother of his child. . .

The handsome husband & I (about a year before we got married)

I had been using Mirena (an IUD that also delivers hormones) since well before we met, but with all of this in mind, we decided to go ahead & have it removed at the end of this past December. Now, judging by how my twelve- & almost-nine-year-olds were — ahem — unplanned, I really thought I was a “Fertile Myrtle” & that things would progress rather quickly. . . . It is still quite early to make any kind of assumption in that regard, but I have to admit, I am getting a little discouraged! Yes, yes. It has only been just over three months since the Mirena removal. . . And, if all of the various articles I have read all over the Internet have anything truthful &/or in common about them, it is six months to a year, on average, before pregnancy with most healthy couples.

Key word above? “Healthy.” Oh dear. Don't get me wrong; we are not diseased or stricken with abnormal ailments or anything extreme like that. BUT, do I need to say it again? We just got married last year. Ha! We are calling it comfort weight. I don't keep a scale in the house, so I cannot be certain exactly how much weight we have each gained. . . BUT, let's just say that I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my entire life! Between getting married & quitting smoking — YES! Quitting smoking! — our eating habits have drastically changed & I have gotten less & less active now that I am not working retail any longer. Foods taste differently when you're a non-smoker. And we've discovered a few different foods since I've discovered that I actually kind of enjoy baking & have been trying to broaden my horizons in the kitchen. . .

SO, what to do? I think this is where my anxiety about getting more active is coming from. Pregnancy. I do not want to get so concerned & focused on trying to get pregnant that we need to start being that couple that needs to monitor body temperatures &/or take hormones or anything like that, (not that there is anything wrong with that!).  I would really rather take a few positive, healthy steps that will make it easier for God to decide on the appropriate timing for us. . . & while this is not a situation I would find myself in if I hadn't always wanted to be a mother & if I didn't want to be the mother of his child, it still poses so many questions, considering my situation. . .

Considering I have two sons already that do not live with us, in addition to all of this, I cannot fully get away from the unspoken fear about having another child. My sons are very well taken care of & I know I made good choices for them that have led up to our current situation, but it is still a fear, of sorts, trying to bring a child into this world. I view it as relatively irrational, considering my situation with the handsome husband is so drastically different that my situation either time being pregnant before. YET, the fear remains; I fear it always will, lurking in the back of my mind. I guess it just comes with the territory. . .

Next, there's my obvious parental issues. . . My mother & biological father divorced when I was something around three-years-old. The story, as I have gathered, since my mother never once bad-mouthed my father, is that he was an alcoholic who made poor choices with his money instead of properly supporting his family & that he had tendencies of being quite nasty when he was drunk — which was entirely too often. My mother didn't want that life for us. SO, when she met my step-father & we moved from California to Washington State just before my eighth birthday, she did not let him know where we went; she felt it necessary to cut those ties. Then, as time went on, my step-father proved to be very lacking in the parental department as well. His comments, at times, were highly inappropriate for someone who was to be a father figure & my mother suffered emotional & verbal abuse on a very regular basis from him. The only reason I ever feigned respect for him as I got older is because he is the father of my younger brother, who was still learning about respecting his elders & I did not want to muddy those waters with any extra drama.

Me (right) with my younger sister (left) & brother (middle).

Then, when my mother died, I was only 17-years-old. I haven't really had to answer to a parental figure since then. She was my world. Then, during both of my pregnancies so far, I had an extreme amount of emotional difficulty because, as I see it, there aren't many gals that don't feel the urge to call mom when they are feeling uncertain — especially with things linked to their own motherhood; what better role model on how to be a good mother than your own mother?

My mother holding me as an infant.

I have leaned on my grandmother (maternal) &, to some extent, my aunts when I really needed that maternal support, but it can never be the same. . . Now, I have been fortunate enough to marry a man who really has a wonderful family too. . .  With him, came two mother-in-laws & two father-in-laws, (since his biological parents have each re-married). I have joked that this is God's way of restoring some balance, since there are virtually no parents on my side. In fact, my husband's mother reminds me quite a bit of my own mother, so, once again, I have affirmation that God really does know what He's doing. . .

My grandmother & I on my mother's birthday earlier this year.

Do I have a few ghosts following me around in regard to getting pregnant? Absolutely; I'd be hard-pressed, at this point, to even try to claim otherwise. BUT, again, I firmly believe God has a plan in all of this & He will guide us to where we need to be. We would like to be parents together, but we can only do so much. God will decide.