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God Will Decide

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The handsome husband & I got married just shy of a year ago. . . (Trying to decide what we'd like to do for our one-year anniversary is an entirely different subject!) Although, he says it was never a “deal-breaker” in our relationship, I always knew he wanted to be a daddy. . . Don't get me wrong; he more than claims his two step-sons & prides himself on getting to help mold them into respectful young men, but I want him to be able to experience having a biological child of his own as well. Furthermore, I would love to be the mother of his child. . .

The handsome husband & I (about a year before we got married)

The handsome husband & I (about a year before we got married)


I had been using Mirena (an IUD that also delivers hormones) since well before we met, but with all of this in mind, we decided to go ahead & have it removed at the end of this past December. Now, judging by how my twelve- & almost-nine-year-olds were — ahem — unplanned, I really thought I was a “Fertile Myrtle” & that things would progress rather quickly. . . . It is still quite early to make any kind of assumption in that regard, but I have to admit, I am getting a little discouraged! Yes, yes. It has only been just over three months since the Mirena removal. . . And, if all of the various articles I have read all over the Internet have anything truthful &/or in common about them, it is six months to a year, on average, before pregnancy with most healthy couples.

Key word above? “Healthy.” Oh dear. Don't get me wrong; we are not diseased or stricken with abnormal ailments or anything extreme like that. BUT, do I need to say it again? We just got married last year. Ha! We are calling it comfort weight. I don't keep a scale in the house, so I cannot be certain exactly how much weight we have each gained. . . BUT, let's just say that I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my entire life! Between getting married & quitting smoking — YES! Quitting smoking! — our eating habits have drastically changed & I have gotten less & less active now that I am not working retail any longer. Foods taste differently when you're a non-smoker. And we've discovered a few different foods since I've discovered that I actually kind of enjoy baking & have been trying to broaden my horizons in the kitchen. . .

SO, what to do? I think this is where my anxiety about getting more active is coming from. Pregnancy. I do not want to get so concerned & focused on trying to get pregnant that we need to start being that couple that needs to monitor body temperatures &/or take hormones or anything like that, (not that there is anything wrong with that!).  I would really rather take a few positive, healthy steps that will make it easier for God to decide on the appropriate timing for us. . . & while this is not a situation I would find myself in if I hadn't always wanted to be a mother & if I didn't want to be the mother of his child, it still poses so many questions, considering my situation. . .

Considering I have two sons already that do not live with us, in addition to all of this, I cannot fully get away from the unspoken fear about having another child. My sons are very well taken care of & I know I made good choices for them that have led up to our current situation, but it is still a fear, of sorts, trying to bring a child into this world. I view it as relatively irrational, considering my situation with the handsome husband is so drastically different that my situation either time being pregnant before. YET, the fear remains; I fear it always will, lurking in the back of my mind. I guess it just comes with the territory. . .

Next, there's my obvious parental issues. . . My mother & biological father divorced when I was something around three-years-old. The story, as I have gathered, since my mother never once bad-mouthed my father, is that he was an alcoholic who made poor choices with his money instead of properly supporting his family & that he had tendencies of being quite nasty when he was drunk — which was entirely too often. My mother didn't want that life for us. SO, when she met my step-father & we moved from California to Washington State just before my eighth birthday, she did not let him know where we went; she felt it necessary to cut those ties. Then, as time went on, my step-father proved to be very lacking in the parental department as well. His comments, at times, were highly inappropriate for someone who was to be a father figure & my mother suffered emotional & verbal abuse on a very regular basis from him. The only reason I ever feigned respect for him as I got older is because he is the father of my younger brother, who was still learning about respecting his elders & I did not want to muddy those waters with any extra drama.

Me (right) with my younger sister (left) & brother (middle).

Me (right) with my younger sister (left) & brother (middle).

Then, when my mother died, I was only 17-years-old. I haven't really had to answer to a parental figure since then. She was my world. Then, during both of my pregnancies so far, I had an extreme amount of emotional difficulty because, as I see it, there aren't many gals that don't feel the urge to call mom when they are feeling uncertain — especially with things linked to their own motherhood; what better role model on how to be a good mother than your own mother?

My mother holding me as an infant.

My mother holding me as an infant.

I have leaned on my grandmother (maternal) &, to some extent, my aunts when I really needed that maternal support, but it can never be the same. . . Now, I have been fortunate enough to marry a man who really has a wonderful family too. . .  With him, came two mother-in-laws & two father-in-laws, (since his biological parents have each re-married). I have joked that this is God's way of restoring some balance, since there are virtually no parents on my side. In fact, my husband's mother reminds me quite a bit of my own mother, so, once again, I have affirmation that God really does know what He's doing. . .

My grandmother & I on my mother's birthday earlier this year.

My grandmother & I on my mother's birthday earlier this year.

Do I have a few ghosts following me around in regard to getting pregnant? Absolutely; I'd be hard-pressed, at this point, to even try to claim otherwise. BUT, again, I firmly believe God has a plan in all of this & He will guide us to where we need to be. We would like to be parents together, but we can only do so much. God will decide.

See also  Housewife vs Househusband

17 thoughts on “God Will Decide”

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  2. Oh, I do hope that you are blessed with a baby at just the right time for you all. Having a baby is a wonderful gift to you both, and can be very healing.

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