I have a confession to make. . . With all my talk of trying to be more purposeful, lately, I've been doing quite the opposite. It's not entirely out of control, but I could see it getting there! I am reacting to things, rather than being proactive & it is starting to show.
This past weekend, I was feeling quite under the weather. Not exactly sick. But not exactly myself either. Just “blah.” I am sure you can think of a time in your life when you've gone through a spurt such as this. I stayed in pajamas & curled up & read, for the most part. It was glorious! BUT, I neglected quite a few things I really should have been doing with my time. . . The laundry I meant to do didn't get done, nor did the dishes filling my sink. . . &, perhaps the worst of it all, I missed an assignment in one of my classes & turned in a very sub-par paper in that exact same class. My saving grace is that my lowest grade out of all of my classes is a 95%, so the damage done isn't a matter of flunking. BUT, I very well may have sacrificed progress towards one of my 101 in 1001 goals of having a couple of 4.0 semesters. It was within my grasp & a few days of letting my focus shift did quite a bit of damage.
BUT, it's not the end of the world. In year's past, this time of year was the start of quite a down-spiral. We're heading into a time of birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a new year, the anniversary of my mother's death, & then her birthday three weeks later. I over-analyze things with much more frequency than I probably should — than is probably healthy — but it is a part of me that isn't likely to change. SO, rather than continue to fight with it, it's high time that I figured out how to use it to my advantage, I think.
With that said, so far, so good this year. But, I know it's a stormy cloud that follows me around, even if it's not quite looming over my head. This period of reacting is dangerous — especially this time of year. I've been reacting to my emotions & my body & deadlines & messes. . . I haven't been making plans to keep them from happening or to stay on track when they do. That's the dangerous part. Eventually, going down this path leads to feelings of helplessness that come at the point when I feel like I've buried myself in doubts & frustrations & extra work from neglecting it all — & myself — for too long. I'd like not to get there this year. It'd be quite refreshing to not succumb to the nastiness of depression this winter. It'd be the first time in years.
I deserve to be happy.
The handsome husband deserves to have one less thing to worry about. . . Even in times when I think I am doing okay, I am surprised by his whispers, asking, “What can I do to help you smile again?” Sometimes he has specific “causes” in mind, other times, he seems exasperated by my mood. . . A mood that, a lot of times, I don't even realize I've adopted.
Now, I get that depression is deeper than that. . . That not everyone can “control” it — that I can't necessarily control it either. BUT, I have more control than I have been taking — especially now that I don't feel like I am in its clutches. Like I said, even if it's not over my head, it is still not far away.
I've started back to school, which is a huge step in the right direction! I feel like I am working towards something, rather than languishing & rotting in my own head. . . The handsome husband & I have made a few small decisions about our time in Arizona & now all that's left to do is wait for some more time to go by in order to eliminate a few variables before we know exactly what's next in our future. . . I get to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. Spending a little time in the kitchen, visiting with family, actually celebrating the day. . . It'll all be good. Refreshing. Beautiful.
I need to take back control of the day-to-day mundane.
I need to step it up with my housework — I've come a long way from where I used to be in this department, but I've still quite a way to go. . . I need to do better at planning my grocery shopping & meals — we wind up wasting entirely too much food around here. It is a waste of time & money too! It's frustrating. All of it.
I am list person. . . Sometimes too much so, because I get consumed in the list, rather than actually checking things off it. BUT, regardless, it is so. . . & lists are part of what helps mobilize me when it's all said & done. I am a thinker — but I can also be a doer. I just have extremes to either end of the spectrum — either writing & planning forever or hardcore cleaning & organizing & such for hours & hours or days at a time. . . It'd be quite nice to get to a point where, even if I can't get rid of those nuances that are oh-so-me, I can at least get a bit more balance between them all. . .
So, today I am going to plan. . . and, today I am going to do. I am going to hit “Publish” on this post, then immediately get up & do a few of the things I wish I would have done over the weekend. . . Then, I will sit back down for a bit & write out a few of my lists that I love so much. Those lists will help me prioritize the rest of my week & month. . . Then, tomorrow, I am going to focus, largely on the doing part, since the planning will have been done, save for a touch of review. And the day after that? Well, I think you get the idea. . . I will take it day by day.
I'd like not to get to the end of my birthday weekend & regret spending it with the handsome husband instead of doing “responsible” things. . . So, I will plan & do until then to make sure that doesn't happen. . . . The same goes for Thanksgiving when my house will be full of family. . . & maybe — just maybe — come February, I will be able to look back & see what a fabulous few months it has been — especially in comparison to year's past. . . One can hope. (& plan & do.) 😉