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How Dare I?

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Obviously, it's been over a month since I last posted.

It seems I am at one extreme or another.

This isn't anything new with me. Yet, every time something happens to remind me of it, I am just as surprised as the last time. It makes absolutely NO sense. But, there it is. Knowing this makes it no less true. It is what it is, I suppose. 

So, I got about half-way through the Blog-tember challenge last month before I got derailed. During the first week (or so) of my blogging hiatus, I thought that, maybe, I had just overwhelmed myself with the frequency of posts all of a sudden. But, the more I think of it, the more I think that is off-base. I had good prompts & I enjoyed creating each post. Even more so, I gave myself permission to be imperfect in following the challenge.

Basically, I was in it for the fun of it. . . For the challenge & growth of it all. . .

I didn't take it so seriously that I viewed it as work. Thus, I don't believe it was that challenge that created the feeling of being overwhelmed that led me to give blogging a break for a bit.

Then, it occurred to me that about two weeks before that last post, I got a phone call from my OBGYN's office saying that my HCG levels were finally back to a normal level. Elation! We can start trying again (& all the fun that goes along with that). It's just that the hormonal changes involved with HCG being at a “normal” level again is pretty intense! Monthly cycles are more magnified.

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It's totally crazy! 

There was one weekend two or three weeks ago that I seriously thought I was going to murder someone if my insides didn't kill me first. I kid you not. Then, last week, I had to fight the urge to rape my husband. No joke! I am already an emotional person. But, the last month-&-a-half, my emotions have been even more INTENSE. Again, I say, “Craziness!”

Speaking of intense emotions, there's this feeling of being ashamed. Yes. Ashamed.
I feel horrible that I feel this way & it feels even more horrible to actually be admitting it. . . But, I am ashamed that I feel a bit jealous.

(JEALOUS?!)

There are people around me that are expecting babies & — please, don't get me wrong — I am SO thoroughly happy for them. (Yes, them, plural. . . As in more than one. . .) But, there's that little sliver of an emotion that cuts in to remind me exactly how jealous I am too. That makes me feel ashamed. Oh, so ashamed.

How dare I?

Speaking of things that make me ask, “How dare I?” I started wondering why I was so upset about our miscarriage several months ago. I mean, of course I was happy to be pregnant. Of course. But, after writing things like “Pregnancy is NOT Beautiful,” what was I to expect? I was happy, but ungrateful. Obviously. Or the miscarriage wouldn't have happened. Or would it have? No one can know. But can you see how I would wonder? How dare I?
Or was I just brutally honest in a moment of intense emotions?
It felt good to write that post. It did. I didn't feel ungrateful to be saying those things. . . It felt liberating.
It is okay to simultaneously feel contradicting emotions, right?!
There have been some pretty intense feelings of various capacities (& various subjects) over the last month. . . But how much is too much to be sharing? What consequences are there for sharing those types of intimate feelings? In the moment, it felt quite nice to have shared so openly. . . To have others be somewhat equipped with knowledge to lend much-needed encouraging words & insights. . . But, does it also show an “uglier” side? One that maybe isn't meant to be shared?
These are the questions that I've had on my mind over the past month. . . &, while I have also had the added pressures of staying on top of my homework & housework as my new school schedule becomes not-so-new, it is really this inner struggle that has kept me from blogging. .  .
No matter how much I might want to “blame” it on being overwhelmed. . . it's really an internal struggle of sorts.
So, there you have it. Do with it what you will. Hopefully, I shall figure it out — to some degree — sooner, rather than later. 😉

 

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9 thoughts on “How Dare I?”

  3. Michelle
    Reply

    I’m sorry for your loss…and I think how you feel is how you feel…and we all feel jealous sometimes..the fact that you are facing it and admitting shows real emotional maturity.

    1. Reta Jayne
      Reply

      Thank you, Michelle. I sincerely hope you’re right. I am always telling others not to be ashamed about how they feel. Feelings are to be validated & there is no right or wrong way to feel. It is how we handle those feelings that matters most. . . We’ll see. . .

  5. lrconsiderer
    Reply

    It’s utterly, UTTERLY explainable to be jealous. And trying to deny it will only eat away at you. Admit it and treat it lightly, and in context.

    I know that I still get intensely envious and have to leave rooms or conversations sometimes because I can’t cope with it. It’s fine, and all the best to you in trying, my dear. I hope you succeed. I know how hard this is hugs

  7. Megan Kubasch
    Reply

    Thank you for linking up at Come Along Ponds. I completely understand feeling jealous and then feeling conflicted about feeling jealous. I don’t have kids yet… but I really, really want them. And it’s super frustrating that we aren’t at a point where we are planning to have kids…. and it kills me everytime I see a status update on facebook or whatever that someone is expecting. And then they get 386 likes on their pregnancy announcement, and I just sit and watch Friends and drink Merlot and cry. I completely understand, and it is not something to be ashamed of. There are plenty of women who are in the exact same boat as you. Don’t ever feel ashamed of how you feel. You are a beautiful woman and you deserve to feel however the heck you want to feel!!!!

    1. Reta Jayne
      Reply

      Thank you, Megan! You’re so absolutely right. . . Everyone has their own story & their own way of reasoning. . . How we feel is how we feel & that has to be okay. It’s hard to remember that when YOU’RE the one in the middle of it, though, right? It’s so much easier when you’re able to be the objective “outsider.” LOL. Lesson learned. 😉

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