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Obviously, it's been over a month since I last posted.
It seems I am at one extreme or another.
This isn't anything new with me. Yet, every time something happens to remind me of it, I am just as surprised as the last time. It makes absolutely NO sense. But, there it is. Knowing this makes it no less true. It is what it is, I suppose.
So, I got about half-way through the Blog-tember challenge last month before I got derailed. During the first week (or so) of my blogging hiatus, I thought that, maybe, I had just overwhelmed myself with the frequency of posts all of a sudden. But, the more I think of it, the more I think that is off-base. I had good prompts & I enjoyed creating each post. Even more so, I gave myself permission to be imperfect in following the challenge.
Basically, I was in it for the fun of it. . . For the challenge & growth of it all. . .
I didn't take it so seriously that I viewed it as work. Thus, I don't believe it was that challenge that created the feeling of being overwhelmed that led me to give blogging a break for a bit.
Then, it occurred to me that about two weeks before that last post, I got a phone call from my OBGYN's office saying that my HCG levels were finally back to a normal level. Elation! We can start trying again (& all the fun that goes along with that). It's just that the hormonal changes involved with HCG being at a “normal” level again is pretty intense! Monthly cycles are more magnified.
It's totally crazy!
There was one weekend two or three weeks ago that I seriously thought I was going to murder someone if my insides didn't kill me first. I kid you not. Then, last week, I had to fight the urge to rape my husband. No joke! I am already an emotional person. But, the last month-&-a-half, my emotions have been even more INTENSE. Again, I say, “Craziness!”
Speaking of intense emotions, there's this feeling of being ashamed. Yes. Ashamed.
How dare I?
Or was I just brutally honest in a moment of intense emotions?
It is okay to simultaneously feel contradicting emotions, right?!
No matter how much I might want to “blame” it on being overwhelmed. . . it's really an internal struggle of sorts.
Being on the emmotional rollercoaster is really not fun! Hang in there. You will make it to the end of the ride. (HUGS)
Thank you for the encouragement, Serins. 😉
I’m sorry for your loss…and I think how you feel is how you feel…and we all feel jealous sometimes..the fact that you are facing it and admitting shows real emotional maturity.
Thank you, Michelle. I sincerely hope you’re right. I am always telling others not to be ashamed about how they feel. Feelings are to be validated & there is no right or wrong way to feel. It is how we handle those feelings that matters most. . . We’ll see. . .
It’s utterly, UTTERLY explainable to be jealous. And trying to deny it will only eat away at you. Admit it and treat it lightly, and in context.
I know that I still get intensely envious and have to leave rooms or conversations sometimes because I can’t cope with it. It’s fine, and all the best to you in trying, my dear. I hope you succeed. I know how hard this is hugs
Aaaah. THANK YOU for that, Lizzi. Just, thank you.
S’alright. We gotta stick together 🙂
Thank you for linking up at Come Along Ponds. I completely understand feeling jealous and then feeling conflicted about feeling jealous. I don’t have kids yet… but I really, really want them. And it’s super frustrating that we aren’t at a point where we are planning to have kids…. and it kills me everytime I see a status update on facebook or whatever that someone is expecting. And then they get 386 likes on their pregnancy announcement, and I just sit and watch Friends and drink Merlot and cry. I completely understand, and it is not something to be ashamed of. There are plenty of women who are in the exact same boat as you. Don’t ever feel ashamed of how you feel. You are a beautiful woman and you deserve to feel however the heck you want to feel!!!!
Thank you, Megan! You’re so absolutely right. . . Everyone has their own story & their own way of reasoning. . . How we feel is how we feel & that has to be okay. It’s hard to remember that when YOU’RE the one in the middle of it, though, right? It’s so much easier when you’re able to be the objective “outsider.” LOL. Lesson learned. 😉