I’ve been struggling with balance lately. . . & of not feeling “good enough.” I keep high expectations of myself & get extremely upset when I miss them. . . It’s unreasonable. I would never be this upset with anyone else for the “offenses” I am so hard on myself for. . . (It all goes back to needing to quiet the bitch, really. . .) Dammit! Why can’t I just be PERFECT, already? 😉
I study & get a high B on a test. It’s a respectable grade. But it’s not an A. I could have done better. . . & that upsets me. The bitch says I can’t just be happy with my B.
Even though I’ve never been a domestic person (beyond the household chores that were mandatory growing up), I am juggling being a housewife along with trying to be a successful full-time college student. . . So, picture this: I am not hungry, but the handsome husband is & has worked a lot of over-time the past week. So I offer to make dinner. After I have it started, he asks something, questioning my cooking methods. What actually came out of his mouth or what his intentions were do not matter. What I heard was “you’re doing it wrong.” I held back my tears & left the kitchen. I’m done. YOU do it then, I thought. And he did.
I left my retail management job over a year ago because it took me away from home entirely too much. I was in a position where the demanding retail schedule was no longer acceptable. I missed actually celebrating holidays. I missed seeing my husband awake more than once or twice a week (because our schedules didn’t match). I took an administrative position at a company located minutes from where we lived, then wound up leaving it months later because we knew we’d be moving out-of-state in the not-so-distant future (and I wasn’t happy with the job anyway). Now that we’ve moved, we have only one vehicle & the handsome husband’s company moved him to a graveyard schedule. Guess what? I still only see him awake once or twice a week. . . That’s how it feels anyway. What was the point of all these changes? I might as well go back to work & have an extra income if we’re right back in that boat. . .
While we’re on the subject of work, maybe if I took a job — even if it were just part-time — I wouldn’t be so damn hard on myself for the pile of clean laundry in our bedroom that reappears every time we manage to tackle it or the living room that always seems to need to be vacuumed because there’s black Muttley hairs all over the place. . . I am not domestic. Never will be. Don’t want to be. I’ve come a long way since my early twenties. . . (My house was downright disgusting back then.) BUT, at the same time, the bitch says that it’s really not that hard. . . That I don’t have small children running around, messing things up, so what’s the big deal? Just pull it together. . .
In my mind, I can do it all. . . I can go to school full-time & get A’s, I can keep our house looking clean & comfortable (certainly not looking like Martha Stewart’s been here, but I wouldn’t want that anyway), and I can take on a part-time job to contribute to our income. AND I could do it all successfully. Without a hitch. I could. But what, really, is the likelihood? Seriously? Ugh.
Perfection. It doesn’t fucking exist. In theory, all of these things could happen & I could be very successful at them. . . But, in reality, my current idea of “perfection” would need to be tweaked. . ..
Perhaps, the key to achieving PERFECTION is to instead strive for SUCCESS. Whatever I choose to take on needs to be done with forgiveness (for the balls that occasionally get dropped), grace (finessing & prioritizing the details as life happens), & simply being me (staying true to myself). . .
Now, that that’s settled, what exactly is “success”? 😉 I fear that’s another discussion entirely. . .
What are your thoughts? Do you agree with my key to achieving perfection? What is success to you? Comment below or strike up a conversation on Facebook.