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I've been feeling a little down lately. . . Not quite in one of my funks yet, but on a downward slope, nonetheless. Ugh. At least I am getting to a point in my life where I can at least recognize that I am slipping, right? (Thankful #1). And, I suppose I should be thankful that my funks (as I like to call my lower points) are not as bad as some you hear about. . . There's never been a time I have purposefully wanted to harm myself. . . & I have never thought of ending my life. . . I have participated in or initiated some pretty self-destructive behavior of varying degrees at different points in my life — but nothing that would typically be considered downright suicidal. (Thankful #2).
Now, with all that said, I still have plenty to be thankful for. . . Even if it is hard for me to see in the moment. . . So, in keeping with this (possibly depressing) theme, how about I take my recent ill-fortune, failures, & insecurities & turn them into my thankfuls for the week? After all, what we think about, we bring about & this is my opportunity to mold my thoughts into something more positive. (Thankful #3).
Something around eight months ago, I left the workforce & have been what people call a “housewife.” It has alternated between being liberating & suffocating, sometimes all within the same day. . . I get to — for the most part — set my own schedule (or not). I am responsible for the laundry; the meal-planning & cooking & grocery shopping; & the majority of the cleaning. I also manage our budget & see to it that our bills are paid. I sleep in as late as I see fit &/or go to bed as late or as early as my body would like. That part is pretty damn fabulous. . . I am grateful to have that opportunity — which is presented to me solely because the handsome husband works his ass off to make sure we have the income to survive. (Thankful #4).
With all of that said, I am not a domestic person. There is not a single cell in my body that actually enjoys cleaning or laundry. There is a pile of clean clothes in our bedroom that I keep telling myself needs to be folded, yet I find every excuse imaginable to put off this undesirable task. . . I sweep & mop & vacuum probably half as much as I really should. . . The only good things that have come from me being a housewife is that I have gotten considerably better at keeping my dishes & counters somewhat caught up (&, at least, not totally overwhelming) pretty much daily, with few exceptions; I have grown my confidence in the kitchen in regard to cooking & baking & even enjoy some parts of it — including learning new things (at my own pace); & my house is does not look like someone just ransacked it. (Don't laugh — too hard — at that last one; there have been times in my life when I had absolutely no control over my house & it really did look like someone had just broken in & robbed me. What can I say? Chaos in the mind results in chaos around you.) So. . . I guess I have grown as a person as a result of my housewife status. (Thankful #5).
Yet. . . Just yesterday, I got a call from one of my former bosses. I was with that company for about three years, left for about six months & found myself going back to the company for another (approximate) six months. I really loved that job. It was WAY too stressful for the work-life balance I desired. . . But I loved it. And I didn't mind working for that boss. Anyway, she used to be a district manager & I have heard she is now a regional manger for the company (where I worked in retail management, as an assistant store manager or store sales manager). She has openings at the store near me & “would make it worth my while” if I wanted to come back to the company full-time OR part-time — even if it was just through the holiday season (i.e. until January or so). I am tempted to do it. . . It's partially that I am so under-stimulated being at home all the time & partially because there are HUGE amounts of the job & the company that I really did enjoy. I am thankful that I did well enough in that job where she would seek me out to fill a position. (Thankful #6). I am also thankful that I had enough sense about me to not burn bridges when I left — both times! — so that she would feel comfortable seeking me out to let me know about the opportunities in my area. (Thankful #7).
Taking all of that into consideration, though, I can't help but think that she must be in some kind of a pinch to seek me out. I've left her employ not once, but twice. I know my sh*t doesn't exactly smell like roses, so I must not be some kind of special. . . There comes a point where maybe the opportunity is just a distraction from what I really need to be focusing on — like my education? My first semester, going back to school for what will ultimately be my bachelors degree in finance, starts this next week (as in three days from now). I have a full-time schedule & I do not yet know how demanding it might be. Two of my closest friends, along with the handsome husband, have all expressed their opinions that I should take advantage of the fact that I am able to go to school full-time without having to worry about also pulling in an income. . .Furthermore, the opinion has been expressed that my dissatisfaction with my housewife status might be remedied if I can also add the title of “student” to the mix. . . They might be right. . . I am pretty grateful to have these people in my life who tell me what I need to hear, rather than what I think I want to hear, huh? (Thankful #8). I am pretty sure I will be taking their advice, but I will give it another week or so to contemplate my options (& get a feel for the demand of my classes) before I call that former boss to tell her my decision. . .
On a completely separate note, I have had recurring uveitis since something around February 2010. The first time I had it, I wound up in the emergency room not able to see out of my left eye. It looked yellowish & foggy & my pupil was as small as a pinpoint. It was scary. It's only gotten so bad that I had to go to the emergency room once more since then, but it doesn't change the severity of this condition. People look at me funny when I try to explain it, because unless it is in a seriously dangerous more-advanced stage (like that which required the hospital visits), it cannot always be seen by others. . . BUT, for me, it means severe light-sensitivity, blurred vision, major headaches, & a risk to permanently decreasing (or altogether losing) my vision in the affected eye — which has always been my left eye, for whatever reason. It sucks. BIG TIME. It affects so much of what I want to do on a day-to-day basis. . . & I see a direct correlation between my uveitis flare-ups & my bouts of depression. Woe is me, right? BUT, this is a post about thankfulness, right? I really am thankful that I at least know what it is that ails my left eye so frequently these days. . I may not fully understand it & my ophthalmologists might not seem to know what to do to prevent it, but at least I have a name to give it. . . That really does lend a certain amount of comfort. (Thankful #9).
And, while we're on the subject of my “bum eye,” as I call it, I am thankful that the handsome husband has some pretty fabulous health insurance through his work. . . (Thankful #10). The eye drop I have migrated to as my uveitis has worsened over the past few years is so potent, it is usually prescribed for patients after some kinds of eye surgery. It is a type of steroid, I believe. It is new enough that there is no generic version of it, so it is particularly expensive. If we didn't have insurance, the tiny little 5mL bottle would cost something around $180!! Ridiculous. Thankfully, we only pay something around $38 — still expensive, but not as expensive.. .
I know; I know. My tone this week is a bit of a downer. . . BUT, I do believe I've now turned what ails me into what I am thankful for, no? 😉
What are YOU thankful for this week? Leave me a note in the comments below, send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org, or connect with me on Calculated Chaos on Facebook.
This post was written for the Ten Things of Thankful link-up hosted by Lizzi at Considerings.
Reblogged this on Totally Inspired Mind….
I hear you about the housework and becoming a housewife. I remember the day I stopped working outside the home and thought I was going to go crazy. But I got used to it, starting following my dream of writing, creating recipes in my kitchen, started a small business, and now I can’t imagine life any other way. I still hate housework though 🙂 Have a good weekend and I hope you get out of your downward slope soon.
I know how you feel about the housework. But it also looks like you have much to look forward to too!
Well, I’ve never heard of uveitis before now. I’m sorry you have to battle that, but I’m glad you can stay up late and sleep in. I’m also a housewife (though I don’t love that term), but I don’t get the same sleep schedule because of small children. I don’t like cleaning or laundry either, but I don’t like clutter and messes even more so I get it done.
The very worst thing about doing laundry is putting it away. And since I only work part time, and THAT is only during the school year, I feel really guilty for letting clean clothes languish in laundry baskets. Not guilty enough to put them AWAY, though….
Hope this week is more cheery for you!
Great post! I’m sorry to hear about your “bum eye” but you are right…at least you know what it is and you have the means to have it treated. I like that you found some gratitude in there. I’m a stay at home mom too and I tell you this, I work harder now than I ever did at any job I had. I miss working sometimes. Blogging has filled some of that need, the social part of it and I enjoy the writing. Laundry and all, I hate it but unfortunately, no one else is doing it!
Yaknow what, though – you rocked this post by taking your woes and turning them on their heads. That’s SO part of what the exercise is about 😀 You’re a natural at this.
That said, I’m sorry to hear about the uveitis. It’s not a thing I’m familiar with at all, so I’m learning from you. Sounds like a pain to deal with, and thank goodness for that health insurance!
As to your role…what a huge compliment to be head-hunted by your ex boss! But I think you’re right to wait and see 🙂 Good plan, chica 🙂
Depression is really not a nice thing to battle with. Who likes cleaning the house anyway? 😉
Way to take some negatives and find the upsides in them – a good reminder of how it can be done! Good luck with the start of school, your eye, and deciding about the job – regardless of whether you take it, that’s a great compliment to your ability that your boss sought you out!
Good job turning your woes into thankfuls! Good luck with the new schooling adventure (assuming you do go that route.)
You are rather fortunate to be able to stay home when you don’t even have littles to take care of. But if you aren’t 100% happy maybe part time work would help you to find some more balance. Sorry about your “bum eye” but it sounds like it will heal OK. So yea for great insurance. I have been having my share of medical issues this past month and am quite tired of all of it.
Take some time and weight your options before you jump into something you aren’t sure about.
I loved reading this
I felt like I could really relate
I am a housewife and trust me it is very liberating not being in the “work force” but goodness it is suffocating too
Oh, you, beautiful, honest, sensitive you….keep on battling, keep going….do you keep a gratitude journal? Grab a book, write five things each day you’re grateful for and, at the end, keep a note of the best thing that happened to you that day. It helped me a great deal and, after a while – a few weeks or so, you’ll feel much happier, much more content. I saw a pin on Pinterest recently that said something like, “Imagine if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you were grateful for today”. Wow, that blew my mind.
I don’t keep a gratitude journal, but I have heard of them. . . I don’t have the patience to do it every single night. . . Plus, I type so much faster than I write, so I get frustrated with pen & paper any more! Silly, I know. . . BUT, that is part of why I decided to join the Ten Things of Thankful link-up every Saturday — so that I would have to sit down & think of at least ten things EVERY WEEK that I am grateful for — even if it was a “bad” week. For me, it’s the same idea, but on a weekly basis instead of daily.
I have heard of the quote. It impacted me the same way! I try to remind myself of it every so often. . . It’s a good practice to be in. 😉