I have certainly not made it a secret that I have a ton of gunk floatin' around up in my noggin' at any given point in time! Sometimes it's funny. . . Sometimes brooding & almost dark. . . Others, it's downright emotional girl crap. . . And, still other times, it'll barely make any sense to anyone but me. Either way, from time to time, I need to purge my brain of all the gunk swirling around up there. . . And, it's nice to let the normal conventions go in doing so. Therefore, just as the title suggests, Thursdays, going forward, will be for thinking out loud.
The benefit is that, over time, it should make for some pretty interesting Thursday posts to read &, if I should ever find myself with a writers block, it'll help give me material for subsequent posts. I will make an attempt to format after purging, so it makes for an easier read, but that's the joy of a thing such as this. . . It's a little unpredictable (& surprising difficult in terms of letting it be a bit messy)!
My sleeping habits are starting to get a little messed up again. . . . I would've stayed up all night last night if I hadn't taken a sleep aid to knock myself out. My brain just keeps going & going & going. . . I don't know how to shut it up sometimes. . . BUT, I also forced myself back to sleep at 5am today, only to wake up & start my coffee an hour later. The handsome husband still sleeps as I write this. (That rarely happens!)
This unpleasant “situation” I am in with someone I care about has been eating away at me as well. As far as I know, the other party couldn't care less. . . I just can't continue to feel like I am being walked on. I believe I am loved by this person, but I don't feel respected. And THAT is a filthy feeling. Does being the better person really mean that I need to always be the one to take steps to mend the fences? It seems like we have this kind of falling out every three or four years or so & I am always the one that initiates some kind of reconciliation. Why is that? It's frustrating. For once, why can't this other person swallow their damn pride & attempt an apology without ME having to start the conversation?
I am getting a bit stir-crazy at home. It's kind of a “catch 22,” though, because there's nothing I can think of that I really want to do outside of home either. . . I think that getting more settled in here will help. . . You know, getting all the picture frames placed & hung & finding a spot for all the other decoratives. . . Unpacking the last few boxes that are hanging out in the spare room & the garage. . . And, of course, getting our new bed & getting the guest bedroom and my son's bedroom set up. It bothers me that we have this lovely three-bedroom house & the two extra bedrooms are minor storage areas too still. Yes, it's only been just over a month. BUT, it's one of those things that's driving me (more?) crazy.
I got an unexpected phone call from one of my best friends the other day. She had just read one of my posts & felt compelled to take a moment to pick up the phone & remind me of a few things. I cried. But, mostly, I smiled. I really needed that. Her timing was amazing. The perfect example of why she is part of my chosen family, for sure!
The handsome husband is taking me to a county fair about thirty minutes away from home later this morning. It's all in an attempt to remedy my “cabin fever.” Fairs aren't really our thing. . . Neither of us are all that into carnival rides & I don't really dig the whole cotton candy idea or any of that stuff. . . BUT, sometimes it is fun to walk around & people watch & check out any vendors that are there. It gets me out of the house & spending quality time with the handsome husband. That, I am pretty excited about! Perhaps, we'll check out a movie afterward. Air-conditioning! It's supposed to be in the upper-90's here today!
Even though I have some obvious body issues going on as a result of all the weight I've gained over the last year or two, I have decided that it is even more unhealthy for me to continue to be so hard on myself. . . I have the bicycle the handsome husband bought for me last year & an elliptical-like contraption & a Pilates DVD that I purchased recently. I just need to focus on doing each of these at least once a week, (& if I choose not to do one, I should replace it with another). Furthermore, I need to quit being so hard on myself about it. If it's only 15 minutes, so be it. I need to praise the successes instead of focusing on what I deem to be failures. I get too caught up in the negative otherwise.
My father called me last night. I missed the phone call & he left a voicemail. I have conflicted emotions about this. On the one hand, of course I like that he thought of me enough to try to contact me; on the other hand, I feel as though the tone of his voicemails conveys too much contempt for the fact that I did not answer. I guess I wish he was a bit more humble. I can't help but wonder if he was drunk when he called. In true form, I can't help but internalize this whole situation. . . Am I being too hard on him? He isn't getting any younger. Will I regret not making a larger effort where he is concerned? He must regret the decisions he's made in regards to the lives of both my sister & me, right? And, then there's a huge part of myself that just wishes I didn't care so much. . .
Well, that wasn't as light-hearted as I would've liked, but I suppose, it can't always be, eh? At least it's an honest reflection of some of the various thoughts that my brain is constantly stirring around today. . . Are you sorry you “took this trip” with me? LOL.
This post was written for the Thinking Out Loud link up hosted by Amanda at Running with Spoons. Please leave me a comment with some of the thoughts floating around in YOUR noggin', then head over to this week's link up to see what others had to share.