I am seeing what, apparently, the handsome husband has been seeing for a while. . . Maybe it’s just that time of year, but I obviously have my depression crap to deal with again. . .
My hang-up isn’t necessarily that I don’t want to get help — it is that I’ve tried it & it didn’t work in the past. . . So, I am thinking, what do I need to get straight in my head to try again — particularly since he’s made it clear it’s what he thinks I should do. . . ?
Whatever THAT means. . . (Image from morgueFile.com)
Despite feeling quite melancholy lately, I have an intense desire to be insanely productive, even though I don’t seem to have the proper motivation to go along with that desire. SO, I started with plugging out a TToT post this weekend. Those are always nice because the group of people who participate in that blog hop seem to be some pretty awesome people. The comments are encouraging, in one way or another, & they make me want to continue to share. . . I suppose that’s a good thing.
Through this, I realized that I had an item I could cross off my 101 in 1001 list (making Thanksgiving dinner!), which made me smile. That list is a built-in way to go on auto-pilot when I am in moods such as the one I am finding myself in quite frequently lately. So, I went back over the list & realized there are plenty of things I can get started on.
I’ll focus on what I can control. (Image from morgueFile.com)
I crave routine, but I’ll grow bored with it after a short while. . .
I want to go back to work — to contribute to our household, financially — but I have very little desire to go back to retail (what I have the most experience in), now that I have had over a year away from it.
I want to write (blog) more frequently, but I get so stuck in my own head that I can’t find the proper words to share.
I want to write a TToT post — each of the two weeks I’ve missed since my last TToT post, I thought about it more than once — It’s just that I feel like it is the same TToT post damn near every single week. . .
I am sad. I am bored. I have no reason to feel either. The handsome husband wants me to see someone (i.e. some kind of therapist), but I just can’t bring myself to start that tedious search. . . & I am frightened that it’d mean trying medication. (Been there, done that — YEARS ago — & it wasnt pretty.)
Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Just put in the motions & see what happens. Same ol’, same ol’. Day after day.
Same ol’, same ol’. Go through the motions. (Image from morgueFile.com)
Run to class, wait for it to get over because it’s something boring that could have been done in half the time if instructors didn’t insist on hand-holding. . . Rush home & get food made, just to feel the let down when it’s time for the handsome husband to jet off to work.
Boring, lonely evenings at home. With the dog. Who isn’t enough company, no matter what people try to say about the joy of dogs. . . It might all be true, but he’s still a dog.
The handsome husband finally gets home, but as I am waking up, he is needing to go to sleep. Again, I am by myself. He might be home, but he is unavailable. . . Not able to really be present.
Then, he is waking up, but I am too tired to stay up with him. So, I go to bed by myself, cursing that I am tired because he is awake. Then, again, I wake up as he is going to sleep. . .
It’s a vicious cycle. . . I’m sick of it. It’s no one’s fault, necessarily. But I am just done.
I’ve cried entirely too many tears over loneliness. It’s ridiculous.
Ridiculousness of loneliness (Image from morgueFile.com)
Last night, the handsome husband & I had a brief conversation, attempting to map out the next six or seven months of our lives. . . There are WAY too many variables right now! LOL. In the midst of this conversation, he stopped & gave me this funky look & said, “It’s too late for you to drop out of school, even if you wanted to! It would dash my hopes of retiring early!” Ha. Ha. Ha.
BUT, even mildly joking like this, there’s still plenty of truth to it. . . The reasons I went back to school aren’t so far off from this, believe it or not!
Now, there are plenty of reasons to decide to pursue a college degree. Many will attend for personal enrichment, to advance their career, or even simply because it is expected. Each of these reasons has crossed my mind over the past several years (and I suppose they have each had some weight in regard to my decision). However, none of these are what tipped the scales so far in favor of college attendance that I could no longer put it off. So, what is it that finally got a thirty-something-year-old up off her rear-end to begin the journey towards earning that piece of paper? Frankly, it is because the handsome husband would do better as a househusband than I do as a housewife.
I know I write about things that are sad or depressing. . . Probably more often than I’d like. It is a good outlet, though, to be able to write about it. Some things really shouldn’t take up space in your head for too terribly long; it’s just not healthy. Blogging helps me get my thoughts in order & purge my brain of things that maybe shouldn’t dwell there forever. (Thankful #1) It’s a beautiful thing.
With that said, I want to put some clarification out into the blogosphere, (see, now, Lizzi? This word has caught on with me, apparently. Consider it stolen!). . .
Even if things aren’t quite all glitter & rainbows. . . (Image from morgueFile.com)
One of my best friends posted an article on Facebook a few days ago about how our perception of our bodies differ from what our men think of them. I thought that, while it made some very good points & seemed to be aimed toward helping women have a better self-image, it was rather curious that a woman wrote an article about what men supposedly think. . . SO, after a nudge by that same friend, I sent an email to the handsome husband asking for his take on the article. Of course, the handsome husband had some interesting things to say & lent a personal perspective to the whole topic that I found very comforting.
In the midst of our email conversation about body image & men’s reactions to women’s bodies, he said that men have to learn through trial & error, so I asked, “Does that mean that I should consider myself lucky that we met when we did, rather than sooner?” His response?
Even in the worst of times, blessings can be found. (Image from morgeFile.com)
I have a confession to make. . . With all my talk of trying to be more purposeful, lately, I’ve been doing quite the opposite. It’s not entirely out of control, but I could see it getting there! I am reacting to things, rather than being proactive & it is starting to show.
Watch out for that cloud following you around. . . (Image from morgueFile.com)
I’ve been struggling with balance lately. . . & of not feeling “good enough.” I keep high expectations of myself & get extremely upset when I miss them. . . It’s unreasonable. I would never be this upset with anyone else for the “offenses” I am so hard on myself for. . . (It all goes back to needing to quiet the bitch, really. . .) Dammit! Why can’t I just be PERFECT, already? 😉
How to Achieve Perfection: To me, you are perfect. (Image from morgueFile.com)