husband

wishes vs intentions

Wishes vs Intentions (On Purpose: Revisited)

I've been in somewhat of a foul mood lately. . . I wanted a post that would allow me to vent some of my frustrations in a semi-positive (although, perhaps, unorthodox?) way. SO, I present to you “WISHES,” my small “wish list” of sorts, fashioned from some of my frustrations of lately. Then, towards the end, is “INTENTIONS,” taking a moment to reflect back on the On Purpose series I temporarily abandoned during my recent month-long unscheduled hiatus from Calculated Chaos. . .

Images from Morguefile

Wishes vs Intentions – Washington vs Arizona (Images from morgueFile)

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How to Get Free Therapy

It's been mentioned before that I slip into depression from time to time. . . For me, it has never been of the suicidal variety, as you hear about so often. . . Rather, it is the spiraling, emotional, self-destructive, get lost in my own thoughts, want to sleep all the time variety. . . When I was younger, I kept a few journals. I don't know if depression plagued me then, but I've always been an emotional, highly analytical person. . . As I got older, somewhere along the way, journaling fell to the wayside. I don't know if I just didn't have the patience for it any longer or if I simply & genuinely forgot all about it.

After my mother died when I was a teenager, & as the years went on, a recurring pattern of depression emerged. It always seemed the worst during the winter months. I never could tell if it was directly related to the decreased amount of sunlight in the Pacific Northwest or if it was simply the time of year — typically from beginning to mid-November all the way through January & a good chunk of February. My mother's death was on January 11, 1999.

I was 17-years-old & a senior in high school. At the time, I kept myself busy, hanging out with friends, working at my job at the local department store. . . Whatever I could do to keep my mind off the fact that my mother was in & out of the hospital, staying the night a couple of hours away, & coming home on the weekends or whenever her treatment for acute myelogenous leukemia (AML — apparently, one of the most aggressive forms) would allow.

To this day, I haven't quite figured out which took hold stronger. . . Has it really been the memories of that last holiday season before my mother's death that has me slipping into a depression every year? Or has it been my lack of sufficient amounts of Vitamin D in the grey winter months in Western Washington? Either way, most years, by the time January would roll around, I was at my worst. Between the anniversary of her death & then her birthday on February 5, I couldn't resist the feeling of sadness & overwhelming helplessness. It's hard to explain the feeling to anyone who hasn't been there. . .

Read More »How to Get Free Therapy

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The Makings of a Real-Life Fairy Tale (TToT #6)

When I was young, I had grand ideas of marriage & becoming a mother. As I got older, I had two sons without getting married & realized that I didn't have that “biological clock” ticking away, like some other gals my age. . . I felt like I should make sure I wound up with a life partner that was truly meant for me — not someone who I could see myself with, but, rather someone I couldn't see myself without. I felt so strongly about this that I would not settle. I had a few casual relationships, but nothing that made it past a few months, really. I was alright with never meeting “The One” because I thought that maybe I had set my sights so high that, perhaps, he didn't exist. . .

Obviously, he does exist. (Thankful #1) The handsome husband is obviously a frequent topic of conversation here at Calculated Chaos. I love him with all of my heart — I had better, right?! 😉 Because I did not think I would marry, my love for him (& his love for me!) feels even more special. This is my “fairy tale” of how we came to be. . .

Real-Life Fairy Tale pic

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Recognizing Inspirational People

Inspiration is a magnificent thing! It comes in so many different forms & is something completely different from one person to the next. It is what compels you to do something. . . It's what pushes you further along than you ever thought possible, or to pick up & try again after you've been knocked down for what seems like one too many times. It's what gives you the energy to brainstorm that great idea & what gives you hope & the smile on your face.

For me, inspiration comes in the form of how I feel when I've done something well or accomplished something I've set my mind to & worked my ass off for. That feeling is one of the most wonderful things & it has the power to keep me floating along a path to more good things (when I keep The Bitch from ruining it, that is!). But, mostly, my inspiration comes from the people around me. . . Let me explain.

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Currently. Volume 4.

I am currently. . .

Thinking about: my messy house! Okay. It's really not THAT bad. BUT, after my first week of my first semester of college, I have definitely put my homework first. I have a bit of housework to catch up on as a result. I will find my balance, though. At this point, I do not anticipate this becoming too terribly overwhelming to juggle. . . I am relieved, because I was worried that would not be the case.Read More »Currently. Volume 4.

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Appreciating the Little Things (TToT #4)

I don't know about y'all, but it's been a pretty fabulous week in my world. . .

Even though I had to say goodbye to my Little RJ on Monday (& won't get to see him in person for another three months or so), I am still super grateful that I got the chance to spend some time with him this summer. (Thankful #1) (I don't have that luxury with my oldest son — long story. Perhaps I will get into it another time. . . Then again, perhaps not. We'll see.)

On Tuesday, I very nervously went to my first day of face-to-face classes at the local community college! It is a beautiful thing to be able to “start over” 15 years after leaving high school, huh? (Thankful #2) My mother fell ill the end of my junior year of high school & at the beginning of my senior year, I transferred to our district's alternative high school, which screwed up any hopes I had of going straight to a four-year university after high school. My mother passed away half-way through my senior year & I barely graduated on time. I attempted classes at the local community college that next fall, but I had not allowed myself to properly grieve & wound up doing a hardship withdrawal. There's been a stint at a career school (which I left around the time I found out I was pregnant & it was closed down just a couple of months later) & an attempt through a for-profit online school (but I was also single, working full-time with an infant at home & I over-extended myself). The third time's a charm, right? This time around, I have the support of a loving (handsome) husband & the added confidence that comes with 15 years of some major ups & downs. It feels good.Read More »Appreciating the Little Things (TToT #4)

on purpose

On Purpose: Episode Six

As usual, if you need to clue into what this “On Purpose” series is all about, click here to read the introductory post.

On Purpose

 

In quite the contrast to last week, I am feeling quite accomplished this week.

By the time I got round to finishing getting the spare room cleaned out, the handsome husband had already done it. I am not sure if he was sick of waiting for me to do it or if he was just trying to pick up some of the slack since I need to adjust to my school & homework schedule. . . Either way, it was greatly appreciated. I know how lucky I am to have him; I love him so much. Read More »On Purpose: Episode Six

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Family: The Good. The Bad. The Ugly. (TToT #2)

Twenty-four years ago (on August 16) — exactly three months before my ninth birthday, my baby brother was born! (Happy birthday, Ron!) I have a hard time picturing him as the young man that he is. . . In my eyes, he is still the eight-year-old boy that he was when I left home after our mother died. I am thankful that God saw to it that our mother helped him into the world just eight short years before she passed (Thankful #1). He has been a blessing (& a burden! ha ha) in my life & I wouldn't trade him for anything!

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An old pic of the little bro. About 4 years ago.

Read More »Family: The Good. The Bad. The Ugly. (TToT #2)