I've been in somewhat of a foul mood lately. . . I wanted a post that would allow me to vent some of my frustrations in a semi-positive (although, perhaps, unorthodox?) way. SO, I present to you “WISHES,” my small “wish list” of sorts, fashioned from some of my frustrations of lately. Then, towards the end, is “INTENTIONS,” taking a moment to reflect back on the On Purpose series I temporarily abandoned during my recent month-long unscheduled hiatus from Calculated Chaos. . .
I am going to keep this short & “sweet,” in the interest of just getting something posted since it has been weeks since I last participated in Ten Things of Thankful. . . Please forgive me for not putting forth more of an effort this week. . . Sometimes just gaining some momentum is a necessary thing. So, in no particular order. . .Read More »Keepin' it Simple (TToT #7)
It's been mentioned before that I slip into depression from time to time. . . For me, it has never been of the suicidal variety, as you hear about so often. . . Rather, it is the spiraling, emotional, self-destructive, get lost in my own thoughts, want to sleep all the time variety. . . When I was younger, I kept a few journals. I don't know if depression plagued me then, but I've always been an emotional, highly analytical person. . . As I got older, somewhere along the way, journaling fell to the wayside. I don't know if I just didn't have the patience for it any longer or if I simply & genuinely forgot all about it.
After my mother died when I was a teenager, & as the years went on, a recurring pattern of depression emerged. It always seemed the worst during the winter months. I never could tell if it was directly related to the decreased amount of sunlight in the Pacific Northwest or if it was simply the time of year — typically from beginning to mid-November all the way through January & a good chunk of February. My mother's death was on January 11, 1999.
I was 17-years-old & a senior in high school. At the time, I kept myself busy, hanging out with friends, working at my job at the local department store. . . Whatever I could do to keep my mind off the fact that my mother was in & out of the hospital, staying the night a couple of hours away, & coming home on the weekends or whenever her treatment for acute myelogenous leukemia (AML — apparently, one of the most aggressive forms) would allow.
To this day, I haven't quite figured out which took hold stronger. . . Has it really been the memories of that last holiday season before my mother's death that has me slipping into a depression every year? Or has it been my lack of sufficient amounts of Vitamin D in the grey winter months in Western Washington? Either way, most years, by the time January would roll around, I was at my worst. Between the anniversary of her death & then her birthday on February 5, I couldn't resist the feeling of sadness & overwhelming helplessness. It's hard to explain the feeling to anyone who hasn't been there. . .
When I was young, I had grand ideas of marriage & becoming a mother. As I got older, I had two sons without getting married & realized that I didn't have that “biological clock” ticking away, like some other gals my age. . . I felt like I should make sure I wound up with a life partner that was truly meant for me — not someone who I could see myself with, but, rather someone I couldn't see myself without. I felt so strongly about this that I would not settle. I had a few casual relationships, but nothing that made it past a few months, really. I was alright with never meeting “The One” because I thought that maybe I had set my sights so high that, perhaps, he didn't exist. . .
Obviously, he does exist. (Thankful #1) The handsome husband is obviously a frequent topic of conversation here at Calculated Chaos. I love him with all of my heart — I had better, right?! 😉 Because I did not think I would marry, my love for him (& his love for me!) feels even more special. This is my “fairy tale” of how we came to be. . .
Inspiration is a magnificent thing! It comes in so many different forms & is something completely different from one person to the next. It is what compels you to do something. . . It's what pushes you further along than you ever thought possible, or to pick up & try again after you've been knocked down for what seems like one too many times. It's what gives you the energy to brainstorm that great idea & what gives you hope & the smile on your face.
For me, inspiration comes in the form of how I feel when I've done something well or accomplished something I've set my mind to & worked my ass off for. That feeling is one of the most wonderful things & it has the power to keep me floating along a path to more good things (when I keep The Bitch from ruining it, that is!). But, mostly, my inspiration comes from the people around me. . . Let me explain.
I am currently. . .
Thinking about: my messy house! Okay. It's really not THAT bad. BUT, after my first week of my first semester of college, I have definitely put my homework first. I have a bit of housework to catch up on as a result. I will find my balance, though. At this point, I do not anticipate this becoming too terribly overwhelming to juggle. . . I am relieved, because I was worried that would not be the case.Read More »Currently. Volume 4.
I don't know about y'all, but it's been a pretty fabulous week in my world. . .
Even though I had to say goodbye to my Little RJ on Monday (& won't get to see him in person for another three months or so), I am still super grateful that I got the chance to spend some time with him this summer. (Thankful #1) (I don't have that luxury with my oldest son — long story. Perhaps I will get into it another time. . . Then again, perhaps not. We'll see.)
On Tuesday, I very nervously went to my first day of face-to-face classes at the local community college! It is a beautiful thing to be able to “start over” 15 years after leaving high school, huh? (Thankful #2) My mother fell ill the end of my junior year of high school & at the beginning of my senior year, I transferred to our district's alternative high school, which screwed up any hopes I had of going straight to a four-year university after high school. My mother passed away half-way through my senior year & I barely graduated on time. I attempted classes at the local community college that next fall, but I had not allowed myself to properly grieve & wound up doing a hardship withdrawal. There's been a stint at a career school (which I left around the time I found out I was pregnant & it was closed down just a couple of months later) & an attempt through a for-profit online school (but I was also single, working full-time with an infant at home & I over-extended myself). The third time's a charm, right? This time around, I have the support of a loving (handsome) husband & the added confidence that comes with 15 years of some major ups & downs. It feels good.Read More »Appreciating the Little Things (TToT #4)
As usual, if you need to clue into what this “On Purpose” series is all about, click here to read the introductory post.
In quite the contrast to last week, I am feeling quite accomplished this week.
By the time I got round to finishing getting the spare room cleaned out, the handsome husband had already done it. I am not sure if he was sick of waiting for me to do it or if he was just trying to pick up some of the slack since I need to adjust to my school & homework schedule. . . Either way, it was greatly appreciated. I know how lucky I am to have him; I love him so much. Read More »On Purpose: Episode Six
Twenty-four years ago (on August 16) — exactly three months before my ninth birthday, my baby brother was born! (Happy birthday, Ron!) I have a hard time picturing him as the young man that he is. . . In my eyes, he is still the eight-year-old boy that he was when I left home after our mother died. I am thankful that God saw to it that our mother helped him into the world just eight short years before she passed (Thankful #1). He has been a blessing (& a burden! ha ha) in my life & I wouldn't trade him for anything!