Lately, I have been feeling… Conflicted — & STUCK.
I don’t know how else to describe it. Since my grandma died last month, I’ve felt like I’ve been hit by a truck. I knew it was coming, but it was still a shock when it finally arrived. I cried so many tears leading up to her death I was shocked I had so many left afterward.
It’s been a while… I feel like I never have time.. But, really, it is that I set my expectations for each post higher than it needs to be… I’ll be honest: I write with an audience in mind, sure… My audience is mostly friends & family who like to get updates, with some blogging friends I have made along the way… & there’s an intended audience of those random people out there who just happen to go through similar things as me, who I hope to give hope or insight or just let them know they’re not alone… But, in the end, I write for ME. I write because I feel better when I do… & because it is fun… & because I enjoy the connection & the release… It helps me calm the chaos of my mind. (Thankful #1)
So, with all of that said, I figured I’d sit & write whatever flows out of my head today… & why not make it part of two of my favorite blog hops: Ten Things of Thankful & Finish the Sentence Friday? 😉 I have much for which to be thankful, after all, & all of these things have a ripple effect, flowing into other parts of my life & affecting those I love.
I finished last semester of college with an okay GPA, but I failed one of my four classes. :/ That hit me pretty hard, considering the 4.0 overall GPA I had prior to that… BUT, I have come to terms with it… (Thankful #2) Frankly, I am still damn proud. I managed to pass three classes, maintain an overall honor student status, AND I had a beautiful baby girl during that semester! (Thankful #3) I’d say I am doing okay.
He must have seen the fury in her eyes as she sprung up off her seat on the couch because he took a few steps backwards.
Instead of raising her hand to strike him or throw something, however, she moved quickly toward the door, where she grabbed the keys off the peg &, without saying a word, disappeared out the front door into the night.
Dishes get left in the sink, laundry stays piled up, the floor needs to be swept & mopped. . . It’s not horrific, I suppose, BUT, it IS just an hour or so of good, solid effort to kick the house up to the next notch of cleanliness. What makes it even more frustrating is that it’s on my mind & I want to do it.
Yet I don’t.
The clutter around me, however, is nothing in comparison to the clutter within me.
In many ways, this week has flown by. The boost in confidence that came my way towards the end of last week helped me throw some of my self-criticism aside enough to just be a little happier this week. (Thankful #1) This is not to say that The Bitch didn’t make an appearance — she did; she always does. . . BUT, it is to say that I was able to put her in the background instead of at the forefront, which is good. Hopefully, I can keep this up & it’ll be smooth sailing for a bit. . .
Ah. Writing. I feel better when I do it. . . I feel conflicted when I don’t. . . It requires a certain amount of mental clarity to accomplish anything satisfying. . . Yet, when I do write, it is the best way to gain the mental clarity I need. It’s such a “Catch 22,” really. Ugh.
Overall, though, I am thankful for my ability to write. (Thankful #1) I am not great writer or author, but at least I don’t completely suck at it. . . It seems, more often than not, when I seek to get a point across through written word, my objective is met. Whether academic, therapeutic, or recreational, writing comes relatively easy to me. . . (Thankful #2) I can only imagine what I could do with it if I actually put forth a tremendous effort, ya know?
My heart thumped out of my chest & I jolted upright in bed. The blankets were tangled around my legs as if I had been thrashing in my sleep. My already-racing pulse quickened further as my eyes searched the darkness around me for some sense of familiarity.
Where am I?
A bead of sweat slithered down the side of my face, along my temple & down into my ear. My nightgown stuck to my body & goosebumps erupted across my flesh, despite the intense heat.
The heat. Why is it so hot?
My nostrils burned & I sneezed. My lungs protested the rush of air as I inhaled sharply.
Smoke. I smell smoke.
I wanted to scream, but my throat ached from trying to pull oxygen from smoke.
There is something to be said for making a plan, then setting it into motion. . . BUT, there are some serious results to be seen by just diving in & DOING. The former runs the risk of getting too caught up on the planning; the latter runs the risk of having to back-track because of being blind-sided. . . It seems to me, the most ideal situation would put you somewhere in between. . .
Can you have too much of a good thing? (Image from morgueFile.com)
In a little more than 48 hours, we leave 2014 behind & dive into the new year of 2015. It’s a clean slate of sorts for many. . . Just another day for others. . . For me, it is something in between.
I am not usually in the habit of New Year Resolutions. . . But, I am constantly making new goals & monitoring & revising goals that I have already set for myself. . . The bulk of this comes around my birthday (November 16), so the new year is nearly perfect timing to take another look at how those new goals are shaping up & to fine-tune what I really want to be focusing on over the next several months. . .
It is time to focus in on those goals. (Image from morgueFile.com)